Dear Daters

Dear Daters-

Every emotion that you have ever felt while dating, I empathize with. I've been there. Guess what? Billions of others have too. Isn't it wonderful? Isn't it awful? If you stop and listen, you will find that everyone is buzzing about their relationship status, and how it needs an update. This should give you comfort. It should let you know that you are not alone.

Each and every week in the Scroll, there is atleast one reference to dating, courtship and marriage. No wonder it's on our minds all the time. It's in our classes, our wards, our FHE groups, our jobs-- everything.

But fear not. One day you will meet a charming someone from Alaska. He will be perfect for you in every way, and will make you want to be a better person. He will tell you how beautiful you are, and make you feel important and intelligent. He will serve you and comfort you. He will make you laugh. He will read your smiles. He will hold your hand, and kiss your forehead.

One day, he will come. And it's worth every minute of agony waiting for him.

Love, Emmilie

Marriage: The Way it Should Be
Become good friends before going out
Relationships are like food pyramids

DTR

DTR. Three little letters that can make or break your relationship. What is the DTR? You know what it is. It's when Mandy and Shawn have been dating for 3 weeks, but have never actually addressed the issue with each other. It's when Shawn is having a good time getting to know her. It's when Mandy has been discussing the situation with her roommates each and every night at great lengths to try and determine "where this is all going." It's when finally, Mandy can take it no more, and she says this to an unsuspecting Shawn:

"Shawn, we need to talk."

Baffled, Shawn agrees. Three hours later, he has talked about his feelings until he is ready to dissolve into a puddle of them on the floor. Mandy, feeling much better about their future, holds his hand and supportively offers, "You did good, Shawn. I'm glad we've figured out where we are, where we are going, and how we feel about it."

Shawn merely nods and grunts not feeling the need to offer anything ever again.

This is the DTR. You know it's true. After this conversation, things will continue just as they always have between Mandy and Shawn. The only thing that will have changed is that Mandy will have what she needs: security. Shawn will now live in fear of any time Mandy says, "Shawn, we need to talk."

There are a lot of different opinions as to when, where and how the DTR should happen. The BYU-Idaho Scroll takes a stand as to whether or not the DTR is effective. Check it out:


The Scroll's take on the DTR

Proceed to have the "talk" with caution.

The Gym

BYU-Idaho campus offers a social watering hole. The gym. I will admit, as I'm sure others will, to going to the gym in pursuit of a date.

I am not ashamed. This is one of the reasons people spend money on a gym membership rather than a treadmill. There is a social aspect to working out.

I also used to work at a gym, and can attest that it is one of the best places to meet people with the intent of a relationship.

For both men and women, it's a place to show off. Look at that guys biceps. Look at that girls abs. Look at how well she runs. Look at how much he can bench. It's a conversation starter. You already have something in common. Endorphins make you brave. Suddenly, you are infused with confidence, and can take on the world.

Yes, the gym is a good place to get dates.

Why Men and Women Can't Be Friends

Taken from Utah State, this video explains a dating truth. You're smiling because you know it's true.

Rebounds

The Urban Dictionary defines a rebound as: "Going from one relationship to the next right away to avoid the pain of a breakup." and "Hooking up with someone shortly after being dumped (by someone else) so that you still feel wanted." 


Rebounds are sketchy and they never last very long. You can never have a clear head while having a rebound relationship. Let's face it. You are probably wishing you were with that other person the whole time instead of enjoying the one you are with. 


Rebounds are to be avoided at all costs. You are worth more than a hug or make out from some sleazy guy who doesn't really care about you in the first place. Don't ever marry a rebound. You will regret it. 


Live your life, and get over the pain of your last love gone wrong at the gym or the bakery. 

The Breakup

The worst part of every relationship is the break up. I have observed and participated in a few breakups in my life, and I've learned a few things.

1. "People say it's mutual, but it never is." This is from the wise Michael Scott of The Office. 
2. Normally, breakups involve lots of awkward physical contact. One party tries to comfort, or console the other. The upset breaker-upper normally refuses to be consoled. 
3. If it's inevitable, just do it. Don't drag it out; embrace it, and let it happen. 
4. Don't kiss when you are breaking up. It makes things awkward. 
5. Be honest with yourself, and the other person. Even if you don't think they want to hear what you have to say, say it. 
6. Don't over analyze everything, let go of the emotion of the situation, don't cling to the past and move on. 
7. Find closure. However it comes, get it through your head that it's over. Don't go back. 
8. Don't regret the time you spent with your significant other. However long, and rough it was figure out what it was that you learned. Cling to that, and not to the drama. 
9. Time heals a lot of things. Let it come.
10. Above all, allow yourself to move on. 

Breakups are hard, but remember they don't need to be. Allow yourself to feel what you feel, but then let it go. Every breakup will lead to a new opportunity for growth and improvement. Allow it. 

First Kisses

Nick took me back to my car and gave me the look. I was unfamiliar with this look. I gave him a look of my own back, only mine was something more like confusion.

"I had a great time tonight, Emmilie," Nick said.

I did too. I was so excited to have finally gone on a date with this boy. That was good enough for me. But Nick had other things on his mind. He drew me in closer for a hug. That was nice. I was ready to go home. But it was a hug that lingered longer than normal. He pushed me away from him, and looked me in the eye. Then, with the look as if deciding something, he pulled me in hard, and slapped his lips onto mine.

Before I could fully realize what was happening, he had pulled away, and was getting into his car. I was left feeling stunned, and slightly bruised.

I drove home, still trying to assess what led up to this attack. I was suddenly mad. This was my first kiss, and what I had left to show for it was a small headache, and a bruise forming on my upper lip.

This did not start our relationship off on the right foot. A few weeks later, we broke up. How I love high school dating.

Now, it's important to have the right setting, but most importantly, to have the two parties in mutual agreement that a kiss should in fact happen. Trust me on this one.

How Do I Love Thee?

Another mormon message from the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. Apostle Jeffery R. Holland speaks on the importance of Christlike love. We show our love through the "how." This is important in friendship, dating and marriage. There are so many blessings to be found through loving like the Savior, Jesus Christ did.

Ninja Dating

Here is an experience I'm sure many women have had. The ninja date. 

There once was a perfectly normal, and kind boy named Carter. Carter was in my ward. One day he added me on Facebook. That was odd because we had never really talked, but knew who each other was. (This stemmed from the fact that he had dated my roommate a few semesters ago.) One day, Carter started chatting with me on Facebook, dropping subtle hints that he would like to come and hang out with me. I noticed this, but did nothing to help Carter out. But he was persistent, and eventually asked me on a date. I went, had a reasonably decent time, but thought nothing more of it. 

Carter had my phone number and texted me continually throughout the day. They were dull, and labored. But he continued to ask me out. I didn't have any reason to say no, so yes was the answer that always found its way out of my mouth. 

He took me to lunch every Monday, Wednesday and Friday. He saw me a few times a week. We went to a jazz concert, got pumpkin ice cream, got drinks at sonic, and saw a movie at the Paramount. It was during the movie that I realized that something was wrong. 

"Please don't let him make a move," I found myself thinking. I was giving all the right signals. Arms folded securely across my chest. Legs stiffly placed together. Not even a chance of having any physical contact. This was not how I was supposed to feel. I was on a date with him after all, wasn't I? 

I got home, and explained this to my roommates. 

"You don't even seem to really like him, Em," they all told me. 

They were right. I didn't. 

"But we're not dating!" I exclaimed. 

Suddenly, reality dawned on me. 

"Oh my gosh, we're like dating!" 

My roommates grimly nodded their heads. For three weeks, this kindly accountant had been quite the ninja getting me to go on dates with him. He was casual enough to let me think we were just, "going to the movies," or "grabbing some ice cream." Had they been labeled as "dates" my answer may not of been the habitual "yes" coming out of my mouth each time. 

Alas, I would have to break poor Carter's heart. I could not ninja date him. 

And so I did. Ladies, be very careful. You never know what sort of mad ninja skills the boy taking you to devotional has. 

How to Break a Creeper's Heart

There is a force out there that stalks innocent girls. Innocent, unsuspecting, naive and kindhearted girls. That force is a very real entity. It’s in your chemistry lab lurking behind you. It’s at the corner drug store watching you purchase $17.93 in cosmetics. And, it’s in your apartment breathing heavily as you try to watch an episode of The Office. Yep, it’s The Creeper.

Any human being possessing two X chromosomes knows exactly what I’m talking about. Each and every girl has had the creeper lurk after her.

What makes this situation tricky is not in the returning of the feelings for The Creeper. That would be ridiculous.  But rather, it’s how to get rid of said creeper. It takes a lot of skill, a lot of tact, and a lot of heartbreak.

Let’s start with The Creeper. His name is more than likely Steve. He’s from a small town somewhere in the continental United States, and has more than likely moved at least once. He has one, maybe two sisters and thinks this qualifies him as the resident expert on women.

Steve sees a perfectly normal girl in his anatomy class and is insta-smitten. Her name is more than likely Ashley. She is from Spanish Fork, Utah. In his heart of hearts, Steve believes that he has found the one. After 4 weeks of classes, Ashley has still not noticed that he sits on either one of her sides every Monday, Wednesday and Friday from the hour of 7:45 to 8:45 a.m.

The day of reckoning comes, and within 7 minutes of officially meeting her, he has asked her out for next Friday. This forwardness stems from a two obvious factors. First, Steve has spent hours Facebook stalking Ashley and feels that he knows enough about her to ask her out after just meeting her. Second, from the moment he saw her, he knew that she would fall in love with him if she only had the chance.

Friday approaches. He picks her up. The date begins. It’s awkward.

It’s the kind of date where she speaks, yet knows he’s not really listening because he’s too busy creepily staring at her to actually listen to the words coming from her lips.

It’s the kind of date where he offers to teach her how to drive stick shift, and creepily places his hand on top of hers and they shift from first to second gear in the church parking lot.

It’s the kind of date where Steve says all the wrong things and Ashley says all the right ones.

It’s the kind of date where she thinks she’s giving obvious enough clues that she’s just not interested, but he’s deciding which temple the happy couple will be wedded in.

It’s the kind of date that goes into a seventh hour as he suggests getting ice cream after the dinner-making, mini-golfing, card-playing, rock-skipping, park-walking, and star-gazing.

It’s the kind of date where Ashley walks into a bathroom stall, kneels down in mighty supplication to the Most High and prays, Dear Lord, let this cup pass from me.

It’s the kind of date where as he drops her off, throws out this classy line, “You know, my parents are going to want a picture of us,” then snaps a picture of the two of them on his smart phone.

Ashley walks inside. She half laughs, half cries, as she explains in detail the evenings events to her roommates who laugh at all the appropriate moments, and have horrified and disgusted looks etched on their faces.

Now comes the tricky part. Ashley is a kind girl. Who else would have said yes to Steve in the first place? It’s always the nice ones that fall prey. But this knight in shining armor will have to find yet another fair maiden to woo, because sweet Ashley is having none of it.

Ashley knows that he will be texting her good night, and good morning. She knows she will not respond, hoping this will let him off easy. He knows that’s she’s just too busy to text back, but would if she had the time. (That’s how love works. It is patient and kind.)

As Steve continues to make advances in dire hopes of securing this tortured girl’s hand in eternal marital bliss, Ashley realizes that she will have to be blunt—painfully and directly blunt— if she ever hopes to regain any level of sanity.

Beep. Beep. Beep. Beep. Her phone alerts her to a text message. It’s from The Creeper.

“Do you have plans tonight?”

Moral dilemma. She thinks quickly and decides to go the honesty route.

“Honestly Steve, you’re a nice guy, but I’m just not that interested.”

27 minutes pass as Steve tries to think of the best way to respond.

“Ok. Cool.”

Steve’s heart has been annihilated. Ashley feels guilty. She broke his heart. But it’s a heartbreak that will easily be mended as Steve locates his next victim: Chelsea from his Book of Mormon class. 

Devotional Dates

It is a mark of our culture here at BYU-Idaho, that on Tuesday afternoons from 2:10 to 3:00, the hearts of infatuated young people will beat a little faster. Why you may ask? Devotional. The one hour of the week where you can feel justified putting off classes and homework to enhance your dating life.

It's a social status thing as well. If you don't have a date for Devo, you feel like a loser, resigned to sit with your other roommates who don't have dates. I've been this loser many times.

On the other hand, it's an opportunity to sit with some one attractive of the opposite sex, and play the subtle physical contact hints game. You casually bump shoulders, or elbows. Perhaps a hand is playfully put on a forearm or leg. This is all part of the game.

Then Devotional starts. The real tragedy is that the girl is probably thinking about all the implications of every little gesture and movement. The guy is actually paying attention or thinking about his truck. The girl sits eagerly though the entire hour hoping that something more will come from this little encounter. Perhaps a date to Kiwi Loco. Maybe a night at Fat Cats. Either way, for one or both parties, a date to Devo is never just a date to Devo. It's a means to an ends. Hopefully that end will include a night of continual flirtatious banter, and a doorstep scene.

For those of you that are dating someone, it's a little window of opportunity to hold hands, and pay attention to the speaker, showing the other just how spiritual you each are.

My word of advice to both situations is this: don't read too much into anything. Except perhaps the speaker.

Expressions of Love

This is a mormon message from the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. It shows different couples talking about how they express their love. Richard G. Scott, an apostle of the Lord Jesus Christ shares experiences from his life, and testifies of the power and importance of righteous love.

It is important to remember our Savior, Jesus Christ, and His love for us. As we do, we can be filled with  love for all around us, including those we date.

Fluent in Love

It's important to let the one you are dating know how much you love them. Even if you are still in the "liking" stages, it's important to show it.

Dr. Gary Chapman is an experienced marriage counselor who wrote the book, The Five Love Languages. You've probably heard of it. In it, he describes the five different ways that people give and receive love. Take the quiz! Find out how you show your love.

This is an excellent resource. When you find your special someone, you can find what their love language is, and express your affection to them.

This isn't just for dating. Expressions of love is applicable for all different types of relationships. You just have to learn how to speak their language.


5 Love Languages

Dating on a Social Network

We live in a technologically advanced world. This blog is proof of that. Proof that anyone, anywhere, can be an expert on anything. Do we use this technology for good, or for evil. I would say, a little of both. Now, if a man and woman find mutual interest, they Facebook stalk one another to get better acquainted. IM chats on skype and Facebook can help speed the process along. A simple Google search for online dating sites taking .22 seconds resulted in over 61 million hits. My parents are divorced and have since remarried. They both met their current spouse on a dating website. I have several friends who met their husbands on Facebook. It's changing the face of how we date, how we flirt, and how we fall in love.

I don't know how I feel about that. Gone are the days when a man will show up on your doorstep with a bouquet of flowers. Now, you get a personalized invite to be his contact on skype. No longer do men court women, they flirt on their walls. The first contact I had with the man I am dating was his Facebook profile picture. I have been asked out via Facebook and texting. I have been messaged, skyped, Googled, IM'd, and friend requested all with the intent of starting a relationship.

Yet, the best moments of a relationships are the real ones. The ones where we are sitting in the same room, on the same couch. The moments where we talk face to face, without a computer screen in front of us.

There are some positive things to be gained from dating and technology. But for the most part, we need to take a step back and talk to each other in the real world; not the cyber world.

Avoid the Businessman

Gawker, a website for the latest gossip and drama had an interesting article in the dating section. It was an email sent by a man (a financial professional) to a woman that he had gone on a first date with. Clearly, he thought the date a success, but the woman did not. He responds to this tragic situation with a 1600 word email. This is a classic what not to do, men. So don't do it. Don't be a creeper. Read, and learn from this hopeless man's ways.

The Tragic Investment Manager

Physical Contact

The physical touch barrier is one of the most awkward, yet crucial barriers to cross when dating.

Pop culture even teaches us this. In the movie, Hitch, Hitch gives Albert advice on how to break the touch barrier with his date, Allegra in a “non-sleazy” way. The example he gives is a party. Loud music, crowded, perfect for leaning in and placing his hand on the small of her back. This doesn’t quite work for him in the movie, but it’s sound advice.

Physical contact is an important aspect in a relationship. But it is something that is gradually earned.

A girl will let a guy know that she is interested by making flirtatious touches. On the elbow, the forearm, the shoulder, all playfully done, hoping that her current love interest will pick up on her cues and return the sentiments.

I have seen guys do similar things. Arm over her shoulder, lingering hugs, poking her in the sides, and tickling all equal “I like you.”

But watch out guys, some girls are not picking up what your putting down. Girls, the same goes for you too. It’s something that is very sensitive that must be timely done.

An overzealous attempt at physical contact can often times have one or both parties feeling cold.

Eventually, as the barrier is slowly breached, things can progress to hand-holding and even a goodnight kiss. Just don’t be too hasty.