There is a force out there that stalks innocent girls. Innocent, unsuspecting, naive and kindhearted girls. That force is a very real entity. It’s in your chemistry lab lurking behind you. It’s at the corner drug store watching you purchase $17.93 in cosmetics. And, it’s in your apartment breathing heavily as you try to watch an episode of The Office. Yep, it’s The Creeper.
Any human being possessing two X chromosomes knows exactly what I’m talking about. Each and every girl has had the creeper lurk after her.
What makes this situation tricky is not in the returning of the feelings for The Creeper. That would be ridiculous. But rather, it’s how to get rid of said creeper. It takes a lot of skill, a lot of tact, and a lot of heartbreak.
Let’s start with The Creeper. His name is more than likely Steve. He’s from a small town somewhere in the continental United States, and has more than likely moved at least once. He has one, maybe two sisters and thinks this qualifies him as the resident expert on women.
Steve sees a perfectly normal girl in his anatomy class and is insta-smitten. Her name is more than likely Ashley. She is from Spanish Fork, Utah. In his heart of hearts, Steve believes that he has found the one. After 4 weeks of classes, Ashley has still not noticed that he sits on either one of her sides every Monday, Wednesday and Friday from the hour of 7:45 to 8:45 a.m.
The day of reckoning comes, and within 7 minutes of officially meeting her, he has asked her out for next Friday. This forwardness stems from a two obvious factors. First, Steve has spent hours Facebook stalking Ashley and feels that he knows enough about her to ask her out after just meeting her. Second, from the moment he saw her, he knew that she would fall in love with him if she only had the chance.
Friday approaches. He picks her up. The date begins. It’s awkward.
It’s the kind of date where she speaks, yet knows he’s not really listening because he’s too busy creepily staring at her to actually listen to the words coming from her lips.
It’s the kind of date where he offers to teach her how to drive stick shift, and creepily places his hand on top of hers and they shift from first to second gear in the church parking lot.
It’s the kind of date where Steve says all the wrong things and Ashley says all the right ones.
It’s the kind of date where she thinks she’s giving obvious enough clues that she’s just not interested, but he’s deciding which temple the happy couple will be wedded in.
It’s the kind of date that goes into a seventh hour as he suggests getting ice cream after the dinner-making, mini-golfing, card-playing, rock-skipping, park-walking, and star-gazing.
It’s the kind of date where Ashley walks into a bathroom stall, kneels down in mighty supplication to the Most High and prays, Dear Lord, let this cup pass from me.
It’s the kind of date where as he drops her off, throws out this classy line, “You know, my parents are going to want a picture of us,” then snaps a picture of the two of them on his smart phone.
Ashley walks inside. She half laughs, half cries, as she explains in detail the evenings events to her roommates who laugh at all the appropriate moments, and have horrified and disgusted looks etched on their faces.
Now comes the tricky part. Ashley is a kind girl. Who else would have said yes to Steve in the first place? It’s always the nice ones that fall prey. But this knight in shining armor will have to find yet another fair maiden to woo, because sweet Ashley is having none of it.
Ashley knows that he will be texting her good night, and good morning. She knows she will not respond, hoping this will let him off easy. He knows that’s she’s just too busy to text back, but would if she had the time. (That’s how love works. It is patient and kind.)
As Steve continues to make advances in dire hopes of securing this tortured girl’s hand in eternal marital bliss, Ashley realizes that she will have to be blunt—painfully and directly blunt— if she ever hopes to regain any level of sanity.
Beep. Beep. Beep. Beep. Her phone alerts her to a text message. It’s from The Creeper.
“Do you have plans tonight?”
Moral dilemma. She thinks quickly and decides to go the honesty route.
“Honestly Steve, you’re a nice guy, but I’m just not that interested.”
27 minutes pass as Steve tries to think of the best way to respond.
“Ok. Cool.”
Steve’s heart has been annihilated. Ashley feels guilty. She broke his heart. But it’s a heartbreak that will easily be mended as Steve locates his next victim: Chelsea from his Book of Mormon class.
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